Post 9 The Morning after the night before 12th Dec

Goodness, how I wish I could turn back time.

Why did I let my anger break me, why did I left the attitude of someone make me fail.  I shouldn't have bought that bottle of Irish Cream, I shouldn't have drank it, I shouldn't have gambled. Three pound left till Monday what a pathetic excuse of a Mother I am!!!

Wanted to take the kids out for lunch today and because of my selfish stupidity I can't.

Wanted to go get some shopping, now I can't.

Wanted to get xmas goods, now I can't.

I think I'm broken beyond repair after all.

What am I going to do.  Meant to be giving my daughter money I own her and I'm sat here thinking what lie can I make up.  If I tell her the truth she won't come home for Christmas.  Thinking what mates I can ask. I have no one.  I have no one!

This big wide world, I am all alone.

My spirit is broken now.

Post 8 Thanks for the argument!!! 11th Dec

After a SHIT day at work..... arguing or should I say having a disagreement with another co worker I was fuming at by the time I left work.   From differences of opinion...(one person that shouldn't be there because she;s too old (sorry) been there for years, had cancer and death of her spouse, (plays on the lot of it)..... sorry but if you can't manage, quit, there's only SO MUCH tolerating and doing THEIR work a person, even a Saint can take!!!) Yes well after that, I went and done my daily thing... got the dinner for tonight as the local supermarket is right next to my work.

Anyway, so I go shopping and I FAIL i buy alcohol, one because I'm fuming at the ears, two because they have staff offering testers.  I admit I was so cross I had the intention of buying wine, but no, they were offering something similiar to Baileys Irish Cream, but a salted caramel variety, yes please, have a taster, don't mind if I do.  Anyhow it was so nice... I put my wine back on the shelf and bought a bottle.  Also bought dinner.

Came home, immediately poured a drink and felt so much better.  THANKS Colleage if it wasn't for your pathetic poor attitude I wouldn't have done that, back off the wagon!!!!.

Not only that,......I then went onto where I play slots and spent EVERY SINGLE PENNY i have, 80 pound.. I have nothing for the weekend, I have 3 pound now, till Monday when I am meant to be xmas shopping tomorrow......

I wish I wasnt here, I am so weak!!!!!!!

Is there someone that will be a secret santa with me.  Probably kidding myself... my little life is ruined and its all my fault.

Post 7 Darkness and Despair

Got the urge: Darkness and Despair: Lonely and defeated, a failure.  That

Post 6 Darkness and Despair

Lonely and defeated, a failure.  That's how I fee right now.  I feel like i'm just existing, just on the verge of going under.  How wasteful a life is that.  I keep asking for a miracle, keep the faith! But its not happening!

My daughter is due hope from University in two weeks just in time for Christmas - when she finds out I have nothing and I have gambled she is not going to stay with me but go to her father instead. I love her so much and I have failed her yet again.  She has already threatened me with this.  I've tried not to do it and I have failed. I have no gifts for her, I have failed her.

My little son I have two toys for.  He wants the world for Christmas, I have failed him.

My niece who I am a carer to because she has a degenerative heart condition and I raise her as my own because her Mum died 2 years ago, I have no gifts for, I have failed her.

My grown up son I have no gifts for him, I have failed him.

They all want me not to drink and not to gamble. I have managed the drinking but the gambling is so much harder.

There is a lot of support out there if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol but addicted to online gambling - hardly anything.Unless you have such an addiction you will not understand that its not as easy as just stopping your internet or putting gaming blocks on your computer.

I am so on my own I sometimes think maybe I want my children to hate me and desert me so I can truely be on my own and go off in a corner somewhere, get drunk, give up and die.  Maybe that is me.

My life is my children and I just can't give them what I want.  My life is getting by with the help of the government week to week.  My god, my cooker isn't even installed because I don't have the money to call someone out.  There's hardly any food in the cupboards and the gas and electric are both on emergency credit!

Bills and debts and just this blog to tell the world how awful I feel about myself.  Its so hard to go out every day and put on a smile although I seem to have mastered that.

So with minutes to spare before I go out to work, my part time job, I'm just going to come out and say it.  I need someone to help me, please.  I pray to God that someone reads this and is in a position to help me.  I put my faith out there that some kind hearted person that has been though hard times and is much more fortunate than me can help me make Christmas.  Can help me get toys and gifts, can help me get my cooker installed, can help me with lovely yummy food treats, can help me start again.

I AM a nice person! Despite my addictions and my life is my children, if I don't have them I don't have anything.  Two weeks to Christmas and I am in such a dark place.  Someone lift my spirit and get in touch.

Post 5 It's the little things... 3rd December

It's the little things....

3rd December.

A little thing that meant so much to me and my aching muscles.  Got into work today to find the boss and one other put all the tables (30) and chairs (160) for me as they know i've been feeling down. That felt nice.

The gambling has left me with £7.00 to last me till next Monday and the gas and the electric are running out - all my fault - failure.

I feel empty and so alone when its meant to be a time to feel christmas cheer. Not got one pressie yet - what a terrible mother I am.

Still not drinking though.

Lord give me a miracle!!!

Post 4 Another Month Another Post.

Another Month Another Post.

So i've gone from what was meant to be a post a day to a post a month.

Not really the time to post as I'm mega down but its when I feel like this that I have to get it off my chest.

My new job is really tiring and physically demanding and I feel completely worn out.  I am hating myself as I'm still gambling.

I had a massive bust with my birth mother who kindly put me up for a adoption when I was born.  (My adoptive mother who I loved with all my heart died 7 years ago.)  So yeah, it was over the fact I thought I found, well I know I found my biological Dad.... I'm 47 now so its taken years!  Anyway he denied all knowledge (as expected) but my birth mother who I have been in touch with all my life suddenly decides she does want to answer any more of my questions as its too upsetting for her!!  God she is the only person alive on this planet that has the answers.  So it was because of that that I have washed my hands with her.  So feel like I've lost two Mums now.

Well it was because of this and the argument that I started with her was because I was drunk and let rip a bit with everything inside me that had built up.

Having given up drinking 4 years ago but slowly drinking again my daughter has told me if she finds out I am drinking or gambling again then she is not coming home for Christmas.  She is away at University.  We have a special connection and I love her so much.  I have managed to give up the drink but its to easy to gamble online and I've failed.  So now I hate myself because I have failed her. I have 140 pound in my account and 100 of that comes out tomorrow and then no money again till next week.  I don't know what to do, really really hating myself.  I only got paid yesterday a months wages 150 quid and i've blown it all pretty much trying to win more.  How else can I possibly get the money I need for Christmas?  So its gone out of desperation and now AGAIN I am back in that same place.  I think I feel that bad that if I knew where to begin I'd probably go out and sell myself as I feel like I'm that horrid and desperate a person.

24 Days till Christmas and I have absolutely nothing, I hate what I have become.  All my dreams and inspirations never materialise, I am a complete failure.

I pray, I meditate, I have a good heart but I'm lost.  All I have ever wanted was to provide a great life for my children, everything they ever wanted or needed but no, because of my online gambling addiction I have nothing and have even stooped so low as to have to ask on freecycle pages for toys that I can wrap up for xmas (which a big like my pathetic blogs) have generated zero response.

I wish I had a miracle to make everything all ok.  If you want to mail me, please do.  I hope to post again.

Post 3 OMG still not managing

Well I just feel like giving up.  I can't cope.  Its such a struggle, particularly when you're thinking oh its almost Christmas.

I feel I am a complete failure for my family.  I want them to be able to look up to me and say "that's my mum!" with pride in their voices but what do I have that they can be proud of.

I have so many dreams, to start a business, to be an artist, a headful of ideas and no money.  Money I am afraid to say rules my life, its all I think about, probably because I have none.  Twice I went to the bank today trying to draw money out and twice it got declined.  That makes you feel so bad.

I hate being on benefits.  Yes I work part time too but benefits are a top up but its never enough.  Living day to day hoping the electric or gas doesn't run out pisses me off.

Wished all my dreams would come true. 

So I'm still gambling.... and its not for fun, its for ...."please lord let me win, I need it".  So of course I don't win. 

I have been able to lay off the wine.

I am meditating daily to try get my vibration up and trust that everything will be taken care of but how!!. 

I started a campaign on Indigogo so I could start my own selling on Amazon, FBA business, yeah its had views but no donations.  Probably because I'm not trying to save the world, just myself.  But something as simple as that I think I know I could be good at it.

Another plan passes me by.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  There's a part of me that keeps trying, keeps going, for my children. If I didn't have them I know I'd be giving up, deflated and empty.

I help anyone I can, anyway I can.  Is it only people that are ruthless and don't give a shit that seem to get well....

Post 2 Another day

Ok, so if you're wondering what happened to the previous pages, I had trouble with blogger and only just got back into it!

To catch up, I've had various good days and bad days.

Tonight, I'm having a bad night because I have bought a bottle of wine and am feeling sorry for myself.  Why did I buy wine?  Well for one I got that Friday feeling and it seriously has been a long week, to the point it has seemed like Friday since Wednesday and secondly, I've not had any alcohol for two weeks.  Now that might not seem long, but i'm sure most of you know the score, hard day, get home and what do you do to unwind, have a wine with your dinner?

Apart from that I am hating myself because I've gone and blow all my money. Half of it getting into a happy place and half of it out of desperation, (OMG have I spent that much, better try to win it back!).

The last couple of weeks have been pretty positive.  I've gone out and bought paint to decorate and for the last week or so been trying to do my sons room.  That might not seem much but when you suffer with depression and an underactive thryoid and all you want to do is sleep, its big.  I've applied for two jobs, both of which I got offerered by the way (guess im not so bad).

My confidence must be steadily growing when I very confidently told all my current employers that I've just given in my notice and they all said "awwww, noooo" which I admit surprised me as I thought they didn't give two hoots.

I have spent all of my free time the last couple of nights, reading up on how to private label and sell your own product on Amazon.  I've watched a couple of webcasts which have annoyed me.  Mainly because it pretty much done what they were anticipating.  Reeled me in for 3 days, wasted my time watching video's, made me feel that Yes I can do that, I can make the life I dream of for my family, then bam! At the end this will cost ONLY $5K, Amazing Selling Machine,  Who say it is their mission to help everyone.

So I mail and say how keen I am, can I at least pay weekly or something?  I know I can make something of it.  I sourced my product I want to private label, its in the top 100 big selling catagory, I am negotiating a price with the manufacturer from Alibaba but I can't go further, 1 I don't have the money, 2 I don't know what to do next, please help me.  Answer, lol! Not on your life, (reading between the lines).

So then I take up an offer on Go Daddy, free month trial of an online shop. Give it a try.  Where the heck do I get the money for the products I want to sell!!!...

Going round in circles.

I mention GoDaddy as I already have a domain with them.  Celebrity Fanface, my other dream that I have been working on for over a year.  Check out my twitter @shlfance you might get a gist of what i'm trying to do there.  But that isn't going anywhere because its plan is to be an interactive site for celebrities and fans. In a nutshell, fans subscribe to buy their celebs products, my business plan estimates it would make MILLIONS for charities but yep, not going anywhere fast as unfortunately I don't have a filofax of celebs telephone numbers!

So my blog tonight, now its finally working again is why am I getting stuck on every plan I have, and its not the obvious that I don't have the funds, there must be another reason I'm not seeing.

Time to go to bed now and try to astral travel as I so need to see my Mum and my Sister, two people who I need to carry on.

Day 1, Got the urge

So, here we go, my first blog.

Day 1 - Again.

Monday, here I go again,  Another day where I try and be good, I try not to gamble.  Why do I gamble? I could list a hundred and one reasons but that's another story for another post! So my first post, I'm bashing away frantically at the keys, angry and just needing to let it all out!! I feel weak right now, to the point that when I turn on the laptop and know there is money in the bank I just need to gamble.  So I'm being brake and trying to turn on without doing it!! I'm testing myself!!

I find I get angry so easily lately.

I've been on a really good buzz today.  Full of good hopes and intentions. Tried to sort out my finances.... tried to sort out some debts and make sure i've set up the payments I've promised.  I have a takeaway, chocolate and a film night planned for me and my teenager.  My youngster is difficult to get to bed but as I'm in a good mood, it reflects on him.  I explain I want him to go to sleep tonight without me, that I want to watch grown up TV and I have it all planned.  But then my teenager comes back from College in a typical stroppy teenage mood and takes it out on me.

How do I take it? (bearing in mind this is a "positive good day").  I get cross and storm off round the shop for a bottle of wine.  I come back with a take away for us as that was the plan and I'm trying to be calm - besides I didn't have time to go shopping.

I spend a tenner on us, which I really shouldn't spend and ask her if she's calm now and she replies "yes".   (Takes a deep breath and thinks Thank God for the that).

What did it all stem from?  Me stressing about her homework. The fact that she only put half hour effort into it Sunday evening and I've not even seen it and that she said she'd finish it at College and that was that.  The fact that its only her first week at college and she's lacking in effort has annoyed me anyway.....  That and the fact that I see she is chatting to someone on FB Messenger and I ask who she's talking to and I get the normal "No one??!!!"  when I can clearly see she IS chatting to someone.

So it went through my mind why can't she grow up? Then I look at myself and think it's me that needs to grow up.   I planned what I wanted to watch tonight as I watched what she wanted to last night but no, she doesn't want to watch it so i'm getting more angry. As well as her treat of choc (although she should be on a diet) and I didn't even get a thank you because she was stroppy when she came in.  I storm off to my bedroom and say I'm not in the mood to watch a film now and I'm going to bed.  This is all by 8.25pm!!

Normally now, as a online slot gambler, when the slightest thing upsets me or annoys me, I'll switch the computer on and just gamble as anyone reading this that had or has a gambling problem will know,, it just takes you to a better place.  I compare myself to a "druggie" which isn't a good thing to compare yourself to but it's like one little fix and then i'll feel okay, at least till morning when I wake up and realize "omg did I really spend that much, how are we going to eat!" and feel even worse, or like the drunk that drinks away their troubles till morning.  So despite all that, day 1 or what will only been many long, testing days I'm sure! I have had the computer switched on for over an hour and not touched an online site.  Must admit I spent half hour sorting out this blogger thing! That might not seem a lot to you but its a lot to me.

Now i've got all that off my chest I do feel a little bit better.  Although I have been bad and bought a bottle of wine to calm down when my other good intention was to limit it to weekends.  Oh well, one bad thing is better than two!... For now anyway.

I'm going to be good and turn the laptop off now.  I'm off to look up something I'm wondering about... Addictions.  Whether its in the genes.  Why do I question that?

Well, for another blog, but to get you thinking, or to share what I'm thinking.  I lost my beautiful Mum to alcohol 7 years ago.  She turned to drink when my Dad cheated on her after 18 years of marriage.  She was never the same.  I lost my dear dear Sister to alcohol just 3 years ago, she must have been suffering with depression, not that she ever admitted that, she likes to show her strong side. She must have been very sad and I mourn her terribly, she was my big, wise sis who I loved so badly. My elder brother has been in rehab 3 times because of his alcohol addiction and yet he still struggles Me..., I stopped drinking when my sister died, I wasn't going to let it take me too.  But here I am, a bit stressed and buying wine again, when I thought before it was total poison.  So my addiction is gambling!  And finally my younger brother, he isn't a big part of my life but apparently he is addicted to "recreational" drugs.  

Does it all stem from what we saw of our Mum or is in our genes?  I think I may do research on that...

So that's it, my first blog.  I type as I speak.  This is me ha!  Pictures speak a thousand words so they say, this is how I feel right now, this is a self portrait of me done yesterday.  Here's hoping for a happier picture tomorrow.