My daughter is due hope from University in two weeks just in time for Christmas - when she finds out I have nothing and I have gambled she is not going to stay with me but go to her father instead. I love her so much and I have failed her yet again. She has already threatened me with this. I've tried not to do it and I have failed. I have no gifts for her, I have failed her.
My little son I have two toys for. He wants the world for Christmas, I have failed him.
My niece who I am a carer to because she has a degenerative heart condition and I raise her as my own because her Mum died 2 years ago, I have no gifts for, I have failed her.
My grown up son I have no gifts for him, I have failed him.
They all want me not to drink and not to gamble. I have managed the drinking but the gambling is so much harder.
There is a lot of support out there if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol but addicted to online gambling - hardly anything.Unless you have such an addiction you will not understand that its not as easy as just stopping your internet or putting gaming blocks on your computer.
I am so on my own I sometimes think maybe I want my children to hate me and desert me so I can truely be on my own and go off in a corner somewhere, get drunk, give up and die. Maybe that is me.
My life is my children and I just can't give them what I want. My life is getting by with the help of the government week to week. My god, my cooker isn't even installed because I don't have the money to call someone out. There's hardly any food in the cupboards and the gas and electric are both on emergency credit!
Bills and debts and just this blog to tell the world how awful I feel about myself. Its so hard to go out every day and put on a smile although I seem to have mastered that.
So with minutes to spare before I go out to work, my part time job, I'm just going to come out and say it. I need someone to help me, please. I pray to God that someone reads this and is in a position to help me. I put my faith out there that some kind hearted person that has been though hard times and is much more fortunate than me can help me make Christmas. Can help me get toys and gifts, can help me get my cooker installed, can help me with lovely yummy food treats, can help me start again.
I AM a nice person! Despite my addictions and my life is my children, if I don't have them I don't have anything. Two weeks to Christmas and I am in such a dark place. Someone lift my spirit and get in touch.
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