Day 1 - Again.
Monday, here I go again, Another day where I try and be good, I try not to gamble. Why do I gamble? I could list a hundred and one reasons but that's another story for another post! So my first post, I'm bashing away frantically at the keys, angry and just needing to let it all out!! I feel weak right now, to the point that when I turn on the laptop and know there is money in the bank I just need to gamble. So I'm being brake and trying to turn on without doing it!! I'm testing myself!!
I find I get angry so easily lately.
I've been on a really good buzz today. Full of good hopes and intentions. Tried to sort out my finances.... tried to sort out some debts and make sure i've set up the payments I've promised. I have a takeaway, chocolate and a film night planned for me and my teenager. My youngster is difficult to get to bed but as I'm in a good mood, it reflects on him. I explain I want him to go to sleep tonight without me, that I want to watch grown up TV and I have it all planned. But then my teenager comes back from College in a typical stroppy teenage mood and takes it out on me.
How do I take it? (bearing in mind this is a "positive good day"). I get cross and storm off round the shop for a bottle of wine. I come back with a take away for us as that was the plan and I'm trying to be calm - besides I didn't have time to go shopping.
I spend a tenner on us, which I really shouldn't spend and ask her if she's calm now and she replies "yes". (Takes a deep breath and thinks Thank God for the that).
What did it all stem from? Me stressing about her homework. The fact that she only put half hour effort into it Sunday evening and I've not even seen it and that she said she'd finish it at College and that was that. The fact that its only her first week at college and she's lacking in effort has annoyed me anyway..... That and the fact that I see she is chatting to someone on FB Messenger and I ask who she's talking to and I get the normal "No one??!!!" when I can clearly see she IS chatting to someone.
So it went through my mind why can't she grow up? Then I look at myself and think it's me that needs to grow up. I planned what I wanted to watch tonight as I watched what she wanted to last night but no, she doesn't want to watch it so i'm getting more angry. As well as her treat of choc (although she should be on a diet) and I didn't even get a thank you because she was stroppy when she came in. I storm off to my bedroom and say I'm not in the mood to watch a film now and I'm going to bed. This is all by 8.25pm!!
Normally now, as a online slot gambler, when the slightest thing upsets me or annoys me, I'll switch the computer on and just gamble as anyone reading this that had or has a gambling problem will know,, it just takes you to a better place. I compare myself to a "druggie" which isn't a good thing to compare yourself to but it's like one little fix and then i'll feel okay, at least till morning when I wake up and realize "omg did I really spend that much, how are we going to eat!" and feel even worse, or like the drunk that drinks away their troubles till morning. So despite all that, day 1 or what will only been many long, testing days I'm sure! I have had the computer switched on for over an hour and not touched an online site. Must admit I spent half hour sorting out this blogger thing! That might not seem a lot to you but its a lot to me.
Now i've got all that off my chest I do feel a little bit better. Although I have been bad and bought a bottle of wine to calm down when my other good intention was to limit it to weekends. Oh well, one bad thing is better than two!... For now anyway.
I'm going to be good and turn the laptop off now. I'm off to look up something I'm wondering about... Addictions. Whether its in the genes. Why do I question that?
Well, for another blog, but to get you thinking, or to share what I'm thinking. I lost my beautiful Mum to alcohol 7 years ago. She turned to drink when my Dad cheated on her after 18 years of marriage. She was never the same. I lost my dear dear Sister to alcohol just 3 years ago, she must have been suffering with depression, not that she ever admitted that, she likes to show her strong side. She must have been very sad and I mourn her terribly, she was my big, wise sis who I loved so badly. My elder brother has been in rehab 3 times because of his alcohol addiction and yet he still struggles Me..., I stopped drinking when my sister died, I wasn't going to let it take me too. But here I am, a bit stressed and buying wine again, when I thought before it was total poison. So my addiction is gambling! And finally my younger brother, he isn't a big part of my life but apparently he is addicted to "recreational" drugs.
Does it all stem from what we saw of our Mum or is in our genes? I think I may do research on that...
So that's it, my first blog. I type as I speak. This is me ha! Pictures speak a thousand words so they say, this is how I feel right now, this is a self portrait of me done yesterday. Here's hoping for a happier picture tomorrow.
