Well I just feel like giving up. I can't cope. Its such a struggle, particularly when you're thinking oh its almost Christmas.
I feel I am a complete failure for my family. I want them to be able to look up to me and say "that's my mum!" with pride in their voices but what do I have that they can be proud of.
I have so many dreams, to start a business, to be an artist, a headful of ideas and no money. Money I am afraid to say rules my life, its all I think about, probably because I have none. Twice I went to the bank today trying to draw money out and twice it got declined. That makes you feel so bad.
I hate being on benefits. Yes I work part time too but benefits are a top up but its never enough. Living day to day hoping the electric or gas doesn't run out pisses me off.
Wished all my dreams would come true.
So I'm still gambling.... and its not for fun, its for ...."please lord let me win, I need it". So of course I don't win.
I have been able to lay off the wine.
I am meditating daily to try get my vibration up and trust that everything will be taken care of but how!!.
I started a campaign on Indigogo so I could start my own selling on Amazon, FBA business, yeah its had views but no donations. Probably because I'm not trying to save the world, just myself. But something as simple as that I think I know I could be good at it.
Another plan passes me by.
I just don't know what to do anymore. There's a part of me that keeps trying, keeps going, for my children. If I didn't have them I know I'd be giving up, deflated and empty.
I help anyone I can, anyway I can. Is it only people that are ruthless and don't give a shit that seem to get well....
