Post 4 Another Month Another Post.

Another Month Another Post.

So i've gone from what was meant to be a post a day to a post a month.

Not really the time to post as I'm mega down but its when I feel like this that I have to get it off my chest.

My new job is really tiring and physically demanding and I feel completely worn out.  I am hating myself as I'm still gambling.

I had a massive bust with my birth mother who kindly put me up for a adoption when I was born.  (My adoptive mother who I loved with all my heart died 7 years ago.)  So yeah, it was over the fact I thought I found, well I know I found my biological Dad.... I'm 47 now so its taken years!  Anyway he denied all knowledge (as expected) but my birth mother who I have been in touch with all my life suddenly decides she does want to answer any more of my questions as its too upsetting for her!!  God she is the only person alive on this planet that has the answers.  So it was because of that that I have washed my hands with her.  So feel like I've lost two Mums now.

Well it was because of this and the argument that I started with her was because I was drunk and let rip a bit with everything inside me that had built up.

Having given up drinking 4 years ago but slowly drinking again my daughter has told me if she finds out I am drinking or gambling again then she is not coming home for Christmas.  She is away at University.  We have a special connection and I love her so much.  I have managed to give up the drink but its to easy to gamble online and I've failed.  So now I hate myself because I have failed her. I have 140 pound in my account and 100 of that comes out tomorrow and then no money again till next week.  I don't know what to do, really really hating myself.  I only got paid yesterday a months wages 150 quid and i've blown it all pretty much trying to win more.  How else can I possibly get the money I need for Christmas?  So its gone out of desperation and now AGAIN I am back in that same place.  I think I feel that bad that if I knew where to begin I'd probably go out and sell myself as I feel like I'm that horrid and desperate a person.

24 Days till Christmas and I have absolutely nothing, I hate what I have become.  All my dreams and inspirations never materialise, I am a complete failure.

I pray, I meditate, I have a good heart but I'm lost.  All I have ever wanted was to provide a great life for my children, everything they ever wanted or needed but no, because of my online gambling addiction I have nothing and have even stooped so low as to have to ask on freecycle pages for toys that I can wrap up for xmas (which a big like my pathetic blogs) have generated zero response.

I wish I had a miracle to make everything all ok.  If you want to mail me, please do.  I hope to post again.